Script Change

Becoming a parent changes us in ways we can’t even imagine.

Maybe it’s hormonal or molecular or spiritual.

I don’t really know.

But it alters your thinking, changes neural paths in ways unexpected ways.

It’s a metamorphosis of sorts.

Before I had my son, I was focused and driven. Ambitious. Assertive.

I defined myself by my career.

I knew women who “mama tracked” their careers, who chose different paths.

I respected them. I supported them.

And I pretended to understand their choices.

But deep inside, I had a script.

Smart women, accomplished women, work.

It rang in my head, colored my thoughts, drove my behavior.

It would be a waste of my hard work, my education to stay home with children.

When I had my son, my world changed.

I wanted nothing more than to be with him, to take care of him full-time.

But I couldn’t let go of my script.

So, despite my misery and misgivings, I went back to work after my maternity leave.

And it was a disaster.

I think I knew, deep inside, that it wasn’t going to work.

But I couldn’t acknowledge that.

It took me months to accept it, to understand that I’m simply not meant to work in an office at this point in my life.

To find my path.

My track.

Now I stay home with my children.

And I work, for my law firm, approximately ten hours per week. From home.

It’s exactly what I need. Now.

My daughter was born in November.

And this time, unlike the last, I was happy to return to work.

In my current arrangement.

I found taking projects to be intellectually stimulating. Fulfilling.

When I sat down to tackle my first project, while my son napped in his bed and my daughter dozed next to me on the sofa, I felt the final puzzle piece click into place.

I was back. All of me.

Exactly the way I want to be.

This post was prepared in response to a prompt for Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop. The prompt asked the writer to explain why she chose to return to work or stay home after she had children. If you are interested in other parts of my story, you might enjoy: Waiting, Life on the Mama Track: The Prologue, Truth and Consequences, My Life, My Shoes, Stolen, and Let It Snow.

I support all women in whatever career path they choose.