Things a Man Should Not Say to His Pregnant Wife

In the interest of marital harmony everywhere, I thought I’d share a little list with the men out there.

Things you should never say to your pregnant spouse.

I’m not saying that my husband actually said these things.

Oh, no.

Not him.

Because if he had?

Well, let’s just say he wouldn’t.

Right?

Right.

And since we’re in hypothetical land, I thought it would be fun to include my imaginary response.

Just for kicks.

Things a Man Should Never Say to His Pregnant Wife:

1. “Wow, I’m not sure your belly button is ever going to go back to the way it was before.”  Do you think I don’t know that? That I enjoy looking like the Butterball whose timer has popped out, eight weeks before my due date? Oh, and it hurts. I might punch you.
2. “Did you cook any vegetables tonight?” I am 32 weeks pregnant. I’m still having food aversions. The thought of broccoli makes me want to vomit. I spent the day taking care of your two-year old. I appreciate the fact that we are eating a casserole you made over the weekend and that all I had to do was warm it up. But no, I didn’t cook any damn vegetables. And thank you for reminding me that I should feel guilty about depriving my child of crucial in utero nutrition. In the immortal words of the mother rabbit from The Runaway Bunny, “Have a carrot.”
3. “Can I go hunting/out of town for pleasure two weeks before your due date?” Um, no. Just no.
4. “Are you still using your stretch mark cream?” Thank you so much for the kind reminder. Let me go put some belly cream on right now.  Somehow, amidst the crazy itching, I forgot that my stomach is stretched taut, and my skin is getting ready to burst like a water balloon.
5. “You have to go to the bathroom again?” This is the third time in 30 minutes I’ve had to use the restroom because your spawn is tap dancing on my bladder. I’m sorry it’s getting on your nerves.  I’d try to hold it but I might pee on the sofa. Really.
6. “You snore these days, did you know that?” Yes, I do. I wake myself up. I know it’s ridiculous and, frankly, kind of gross. Thanks for noticing.
7. “I’ve got three pounds I just can’t take off.” I can’t even respond to this one. I’m going to just leave the room. Okay, maybe I can respond. I’m going to gain 35 pounds AGAIN with this pregnancy. That makes 70 pounds of “baby weight” I’ll put on for our family. Cry me a river about your measly little three pounds.  In case you forgot, I can’t see my feet. But I know they are still there because I can feel them swelling and exploding out of my shoes. Three pounds? Seriously?
8. “Did you and the toddler run out of time to clean up today?” Actually we did clean up.  You should have seen it before. That’s how awesome my day was. But while we’re having this discussion, why don’t you try sticking a rock-hard beach ball under your shirt and picking up Legos and Matchbox cars from the floor? Bending over is a real pleasure, as is crawling around on my hands and knees. And have you tried to get a 2 year-old to systematically pick up an entire room? Even the magic “Clean-Up Song” can’t make that happen
9. “Can I have a bite of your ice cream?” No, you CANNOT eat my ice cream. The only thing keeping me sane and calm right now is my nightly addiction to chocolate chocolate chip ice cream and Hershey’s Shell. And you want some of it? Get your own ice cream. Unless that interferes with the final three pounds you’re trying to lose.
10. “I’m just really exhausted these days. I must not be sleeping very well.” Gosh, honey, I feel so sorry for you. You’re not sleeping well? Wow, that must suck. I can’t even imagine. Except I can. I got up to go to the bathroom 12 times last night. Every time I roll over, my round ligaments scream in agony. I can’t lie on my back. And there’s a nonstop soccer match occurring in my stomach. But never mind me. Is there anything I can do to help you rest better, dear?

What else should we add to this hypothetical list? After all, it’s a service to men everywhere.

Also, in defense of my husband, he’s a wonderful man who is very dedicated to our family. I’d like to thank him for letting me share these quotes—every man (or woman) is bound to say some things that sound amusing out of context over the course of nine months. To learn more about him, please see BlogHer: The Dadlogs or A Father’s Love.  And he has promised a guest post in response to this. I haven’t seen it, but I’m looking forward to it. (Ed. Note: On Thursday, October 13, my husband posted his response.)

Credit for the quote from the children’s classic The Runaway Bunny given to Margaret Wise Brown.

I’m linking up with Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writing Workshop in response to the prompt, “A list of questions you should not ask your spouse.” Please forgive me, Mama Kat, for taking a few liberties with the prompt.